Prior to graduating college and getting a full-time job, I dabbled in waitressing for quite some time. Toward the end of my waitressing "career" (*1) I came to the realization that I was probably ready to move on when my automations began to go haywire. What, you say, are automations? By that word I am referring to a list of automated responses that were so frequently used by myself (and I am sure others) that eventually, they released themselves from my vocal chords with unpredictable vigor, much to the dismay and confusion of my customers.
For example, one of my favorite automated responses was the phrase “thank you” (*2). While this phrase is not only socially acceptable but actually considered polite, it becomes rather confusing when used in the wrong context. My favorite thing to do was to deliver food to a table, smile cutely and say in the most upbeat voice “Thank you!”
These are the following things that I am assuming went through my customer’s heads when I said this:
1. Is the food that bad here she has to thank me to eat it?
2. Did I do something wrong? Is she thanking me for eating food she just spit in?
3. Was it late and I didn’t notice? Is she thanking me for not throwing a temper tantrum? If so, should I throw one just to shake things up?
Another automation that frequently flew out of my mouth was thank-you’s whorish girlfriend, “you’re welcome”. The problem with “you’re welcome” that is presented more often than with thank you, is that when you present “you’re welcome” in the wrong context it sounds condescending. For example, sometimes I would get ahead of myself and when I got the customer something I would spit out “you’re welcome” before they even had time to say thank you. I’d put the food down, “you’re welcome”. I’d put the check down “you’re welcome”. Another awkward thing that I would do is replace “bye” with “you’re welcome”.
Now I digress…..I must do the thing that every waitress does…complain about customers. Here is a detailed description of my least favorite customers.
1. People who think children are puppies.
These people don’t just have a child…they have an effing litter. The litter usually charges into the restaurant full speed, biting, pooping(*3) and breaking things. They wrestle on the ground, they smell and they destroy everything in their paths. Too bad these puppies don’t get leashes….or too bad you can’t take them to the humane society when they are naughty and destroy furniture (*4)
2. The Real Housewives of Reno
These are women between the ages 30-50 that immediately walk in, take one look at you, and become pissed off that your boobs aren’t sagging to your knee caps yet. Their favorite thing to do is order water, and try to get a ½ order of the cheapest thing on the menu. They also love to split items, and by jesus you better have your pen out because they are going to order a chicken sandwich without chicken, in a lettuce wrap, no mayo, no onion, add balsamic dressing with a side of sliced tomatoes (*5).
3. The Overly Drunk Dude
This guy is smelly, dirty, and speaks nonsense. He never drinks classy beer…usually sticks to hard whisky or bud light, coors light or miller light. The Overly Drunk Dude’s favorite plan of attack is to try to tell you his life story right as a party of 10 people walks in. He also will talk to you, make awkward comments about how pretty you are, and probably drool a little because he is only half conscious. The only benefit is he normally doesn’t realize how much he is tipping you and overreach in that area.
4. People Who Don’t Speak English
I am not just talking about our little Mexican immigrants out there. I am talking about anyone foreign. First off whenever I get someone from anywhere foreign, it doesn’t matter the country, I always default to my pathetic broken Spanish. This is usually pretty embarrassing for me and the other person. Secondly I can’t be my cute charming self if they have no effing clue what I am saying. Also, I love how foreign people pretend like they don’t know how to tip (*6)
5. Teenagers
The little bastards that come in with the allowance their parents gave them. They want a half order of chicken tenders and they order water. They normally come in a hoard (5-10), want separate checks, and tip you in pennies.
I could go on and on about patrons I hate, but I know you are probably getting tired of the negativity and the fact that my first blog post is vapid and way too long.
Here are some of the patrons that I like, with no explanation except for the one that you draw yourself:
1. Fat people
2. Old rich men
3. Young rich men
Toodles!
Footnotes
*1-When I say “career”, I mean no offense to anyone whose career is waitressing, as they probably make more money than most people with college degree. It was just not my career, more as a means to make a living while going to college. I guess I just preferred to end up in a “career” that I had to spend thousands of dollars for to make a lot less in.
*2-Wtf is up with “thank you” anyways? It sounds like (no offense to my Asian friends out there) broken English from a china man. Wouldn’t the correct wording be “I thank you?” or “thanks to you”? I feel like the phrase is missing a noun somewhere.
*3-Okay, they really don’t poop often but let’s be honest, poop is a noun that makes everything better.
*4-I would never take a helpless animal to the pound just because it was naughty. I think as a responsible pet owner everyone is obligated to give it their best shot and if it doesn’t work out, to find a nice rescue. My beliefs on children however, may differ.
*5-Wait, you don’t offer sliced tomatoes as a side? It’s ok…make an exception for me because I am divorced, unhappy and will eat your head off like a female praying mantis if you don’t do what I say.
*6-I’m going to be honest and say that if I went to another country I would probably pretend that I didn’t know it was proper to tip.
